Police warn revellers over thefts

Police warning over thefts from campers at Rock Ness Festival. Chief suspect is approximately 30m long, green, scaly and camera shy.

Manager held over TV chef 'arson'

Manager held over Australian restaurant arson. Jamie Oliver unimpressed with flambé.

Musharraf says he will not resign

Musharraf will not resign yet. "I can't become a useless vegetable". Top Ten useful vegetables on a postcard to Islamabad requested.

Police warn devious drug clubbers

Police warn clubbers not to use catapults to get high or to bury their sh!t.

Brown terror plea to Labour MPs

Brown asks MPs to vote in favour of 42 day detention law or else he'll terrorise them.

Colorado catches 'thong bandits'

Robbers in thongs. Nothing left to the imagination - not even their faces. Arrests soon follow.

Probe after farmer killed by bull

Bull kills farmer. Probe inserted. Time of death Friday afternoon.

Tory MP paid nanny from expenses

Tory MP pays former Nanny for answering phone and posting a few letters. Uncertain whether resignation will be hand-delivered or by fax.

Russian corruption skims billions

Russian Officials cream off $120 billion. English football club looking for bumber signings this summer.