Bank 'set to name Bean as deputy'

Bean has been appointed top bean counter at Beenk of England.

Martian soil frustrates Phoenix

Soil too lumpy. Lack of green fingers on Mars.

Gold found in safe deposit raids

Police shocked at high value items found in safety deposit centres. Next operation to target high proportion of criminals in prisons.

'Slum of the future' fear for Bay

Academic claims Cardiff Bay will become 'a slum of the future'. Too late claims group.

Ministers 'ignoring Church role'

Church accuses Government over religious illiteracy. "I always like to hear Koranic verses from the synagogue" claims Minister.

TV winner's dance mix tops chart

Remixers use 14 year old boys fame to get a number one.

Congestion zone 'will hit Labour'

Manchester Congestion Zone would be political suicide. Conservatives looking forward to 350-odd funerals this year.

Chef faces £86,000 chicken bill

Tesco give Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall huge chicken bill worth £86,000. Tv Chef tells them to waive it.

Protesters scale Harman's house

Superheroes land on Deputy Leader's House. Post-conception issues send Harriet Harman into hiding for next 9 months. Harriet very unhappy.

Giant panda sex secrets revealed

BBC Natural History Team releases Panda Porn.