Alexander visits Helmand province

Alexander returns to land he conquered in 330 BCE.

Livingstone 'doesn't blame Brown'

Ex-Mayor says being a loser has nothing to do with Heroin addiction.

Whale meet ends with peace agenda

If only it read 'Whale meat ends with peace agenda'.

Infections 'the biggest NHS fear'

Loaded questions in flawed questionnaire expose BBC manipulation.

Drug courier ate 75 cocaine packs

Drug courier ate 75 cocaine packs! Rock on.

Knitwear firm proposes job cuts

Knit one, sack 80.

Mystery over drifting empty boat

Solved: Gordon Brown still PM, crew jumps.
Solved: Labour still in power, crew jumps.
Solved: Fuel prices too expensive, crew swim back to port.

Answers on a postcard please.

Prince Charles's income up by 7%

At that rate he can pay for the entire royal family in approximately 14 years.

Review as expletive gets marks

Rewarded for telling examiner to 'fuck off'. Oxbridge beckons.

Chambers pledges to challenge ban

Cheat rewrites the Olypmic motto: Venenius, Dementius, Deceptius

Kenya urges AU to suspend Mugabe

...from a rope.

Sex diseases 'double in over-45s'

Dirty old men get dirtier.

Verve take swipe at festival boss

Richard Ashcroft takes swipe at boss, as Wine-ho takes swipe at fan.

Physics teacher shortage warning

Physics teachers are just too short.