Bereaved cat owner in axe attack

Kill my cat, feel my axe.

Minister sorry over prize error

Bungling idiot announces wrong winner.

Brown accused over 42-days letter

Brown on his knees over promise to 'appropriately reward' his MPs. What a nice fella-tio he is.

Factory death blast probe begins

Scotland builds a factory that produces probes that explode. Alien abductees beware.

Last rites killer jailed for life

Killer performs 'Last Rites' too late, victim already dead.

Fine for Legionnaires' cider firm

Here's to the great British disease: Legionnaires' disease.

Madonna and Ritchie split denied

Divorce off after Madonna finds out she'd lose the kids for being too old.

Mercosur condemns EU migrant law

South American leaders fail to understand social responsibility.

Sweeper sprays filth over people

Suck, not blow error causes embarrassment.

No paper for Zimbabwe banknotes

Please send toilet rolls to Harare.

William's ship seizes drugs haul

Where there's a Will there's a way to pay for the Royal family with a £40 million drugs haul.

Gurkhas lose pension court battle

Gurkhas go berserkas over losing pensions.

Real-life drama of 999 host Buerk

999 host is a real berk.